Imagine

Cosmos

2011-08-28T21:20:00.000-07:00

Your stars
are my blue sky
and your moon
my eternal sun
never imagined I would know you
never thought to turn
and run
with you my soul lies swelling
full with love's
dormant state
happy for the good times
pretty princess held in wait
baby let's just pretend
that I know nothing of
this love
to be with you
I bathe myself in patience
hoping oneday
to be enough
Amidst these broken rules
your muse will surely fall
sommersault away
a stoic lovesick
fool
now its all so changed
vanished butterflies
too soon
if you could see blue sky
like I do
my sun could melt
your moon.

2011-06-26T18:26:00.000-07:00

darling dont stare too long
no more than a required glance
just keep twisting me and twisting me
past your lofty told sentence and forgotten
circumstance
I know you perceive my wonder
but you dont really want to know
how I lost all my breath for you
and still you allow me go
never did two souls set fire
so stunningly as ours
colorful magic filled flames
so darkly boxed up now
forced into tame
made me thine courtesan
my true love you had the lot
gave you a thousand days to love me
and a thousand
to get caught

Matadora

2011-06-17T21:52:00.000-07:00

I should stop taking myself so seriously, right?

Burn

2011-04-05T19:27:00.001-07:00

sunken down beneath the scene
with my pile of matchsticks
set to rapid fire
I burned for you
from a ten thousand foot view
of old sentiments and unread stories
now didnt we really know
the faint bird on the wire
goes silent
and lies flare up
like hard won tears
when we all look back
from under our tattooed eyes
slinging twisted thoughts
will we straighten out
our collars once again
smooth down a sullen brow
when night rolls in heavy by the inch
with its crisp cooling edges
will we follow where we should
and leave embers a glow
or do we ask to our heavens
a tenuous earthly favor
claiming nothing to prove
for who will hold these flames
when you feel their burn

Alive

2011-03-01T19:04:00.000-08:00

Now whatcha gonna do
I got the vine and Im
drinkin again!
If I blow it
soon covet your regard
ignore me
oh please please
please ignore me
I refuse to let it translate
so stop working. so. hard.
to inspire me
your words will fall on deaf ears
In your pretty pretty world
you enjoy a thing called happy
so leave me be
set me off deceiver
now I can see you
and Im alive
I am so
alive!

Sky Pilot

2011-02-18T21:22:00.000-08:00

it all comes back around
when self preservation is loaded up
and steel fences laying down
its not too late
it all comes back around
music floats like dancing
so we try again in vain
for stones to come unsetteled
or leave the way they came
pray the world should spin away
and we keep begging to hold on
its really not too late now
it all comes back around
lets move a little swifter
still each day at it's time
I let you kiss upon me
then steal it for my mind
I can see your shadow stay there
big brown eyes do wear their crown
it's really not too late now
it all comes back around
all you gave here was addiction
let dream circus spin undone
breaking hearts who dreamed upon you
the fool who almost won
I got something to know see
floating hills around this town
today I own too late dear
it all comes back around.

Winter

2011-02-07T21:42:00.000-08:00

Socrates did not know much for love
never new never true could it be
And you never called me genius
assigned to fortune then
I now see

Garden Party

2011-01-15T17:19:00.000-08:00

a little coquette
insane, but oh what a gal
as she claims each stare
from behind that
smoking cigarette
smiling

sometimes a raptured tune will roll
down those curvy stairs
and she will sneak a twirl
underneath that Spanish chandelier
in the memory of a love
ah, the memory of love!

she is queen here
and lets pass only those
who will entertain her
or tip a hat or two
even a hello is sometimes
like heaven

but today, oh what a sweet day indeed
as many all dressed to nines
did not seem to know better
but to look in her direction
and pay her some mind
into her vacant eyes, even
they gazed

what a day as she could watch
real life passing by her
each with a scrumptious air
and each story she did make up
in her mind as they strolled
some quick, and some slow
right past her

Colors so vibrant for her
now, much muted life
so fresh and with song
they did fill her
much more than her means
of day old and oft used
ornamentation's

so all day she did linger
not a guest, but with lips of stained red
just in case
and her white hair puffed just so
just in case
and her best dance in mind
just in case
for maybe there was room for her
in that pretty garden party
just maybe
there was room

Sugar

2010-12-10T11:55:00.000-08:00

I can see a tiny soft curl at the back of your neck, a place for my hand to nestle in and warm, so you know I am near. I lay awake you know, when you are away, toss and turn and linger on a perfect thought, until you come close. I think about that lofty grained picture in my mind, the one where your look is so precise and you sound like a sweet broken boy. I’d like to go there with you, in the cold and bustle of crisp air, and walk by your side. Yes, I think so. All the leaves on those old trees will soon fly away, and all the dancing little showgirls can let the curtain fall. No need here for their show. No need, when you are the star. You may disappear into the city or you may entertain fair scholars while I am away, but I do not need refinement. I have not fallen upon your strings since late summer, lest have I seen the glow as before, but you have me watching. You have me waiting for more. There are things unexpected, creeping their way in, you see. There are things I do not much fancy as they attack. What nerve to chase me out of my corner and make me stand cold across the room, waiting for this battle. I had it all assembled so grandly until you strolled yourself my way. I had it all built up so perfectly and now here you lay, with that tiny soft curl luring me to you like sugar. Mmmmmm Sugar.

Mirror, Mirror

2010-11-17T18:49:00.000-08:00

Nothing could be more quaint, I can sew things back together.
Ride new wind on my feather.
Colored, fairy tale names, ever do entice with their fawning and pawning.
I'm ever so, yawning.
I get tangled by what you weave and how you tend, for future play.
Brand new Doris Day.
I hear what you say and excuse me knight in shining armor
you do not disarm her
And darling baby, oh sweet back then in time
I made you mine.
so keep one in each pocket, of all your shiny medals
incase maybe, you setteled.
but none will glisten like a face so fair
Unclaimed trophy, extraordinare.

everlast

2010-10-21T19:09:00.000-07:00

wipe me from your lips
so you can hastily forget my taste.
fast clean me from your hands
so you no longer feel my face.
shake me from your mind
and dismiss sweet tender things
soon you'll steal me from your art
rewrite the songs when you sing
then escape me from your eyes
so you can look another way
please ignore my tear stained cheeks
just pretend its all ok
lose sight here of my body
unframe my pictures from your wall
leave my hair less for touch
remove my scent no more recall
unhear my last whisper
echos swift they do past
but in concerns of your heart
may I live there everlast

kl

Boy

2010-10-18T21:03:00.000-07:00

I sit and think about you
boy, do I ever think about you
I have these good memories you see
the ones left of you and me
and they beg me for sound
spin me around knock me down
oooh, these sparks a'flyin
and there is ever no denyin
I sit and think about you.....
boy, do I ever think of you.

July

2010-10-09T23:53:00.000-07:00

rhyme has no reason
for bloom fell off the Cali rose
i've dressed up now with cynical
i think i know how this all goes
onetime like your muse
ever twinkling with fair hope eyes
I can hear the train a comin
to take away a thousand July's

All Apologies

2010-09-15T10:08:00.000-07:00

It was like sparkling magic
out of my unknown dreams
and I floated on your gifted air
wondering what it all means

You were a brand new sunshine
to a cloud filled haze
and my heavy walls melted
at the warmth of your shining rays

A strange land we walked in
and rare stars so wished upon
we filled the sky with promises
and sang to our own song

Now the evening slowly creeps
and hands are newly tied
a fantasyland lies fallen
simple pleasures, soon denied

Her memories seared forever
underneath this tear filled gaze
I have memorized this storybook
and come to it's last page

So seemingly perfect
yet fate now pays it's due
grasping for that lasting truth
know... that she has loved you.

Blue

2010-09-12T14:19:00.000-07:00

The air smells nice outside
light off the corner building
is gleaming ever so
like a hundred fireflies buzzing
just maybe for me
or maybe for glow.

Ive decided to plant flowers dear
everywhere that I raom
tiny special seeds to float on
moving,rambling and winded
new breath for new life
after holding mine so long.

In this air I can glimpse now
each sweet taste of brandnew
and I dont have the time here
for any shade of your blue
Ive painted up and made patches
not perfect, not still
but its my place for now
yes my place
yes my will.

Scout

2010-08-29T20:54:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, when I finally listen, she is telling me what she feels.
This little girl working so hard on a tough exterior, when really, all she feels is mush underneath.
A big pile of broken matter, somehow walking around. Faking it.

The heart doesnt ever seem to grow up.
Always a beat away from the worst of it.
Always a beat away from the best of it.
It's a never ending child-like state of vulnrability.
Purity and tragedy all in one.

She reminisces about back when
The times she would travel, so early in the morning
through the streets so barren, and dark, and silent.
Back when she still wondered what was beyond
who was out there waiting
and who would break her still.

She had then though, her hiding places
and forts of rest for a weary mind
and a sanctity of knowing that each
tomorrow and each tonight
would not be spent alone.
And would not be so long.

So Im not so sure when you
think you know the direction she has traveled
and the roads she endured up to here.
I'm not sure you know. But I hear her say it.
They were long.
And so full of scars.
Scars where there should have been
flowers
and love
and truth.

It's always easier to hide
It's always easier to stay rooted.
That's what she tells me.

Vain to Vein

2010-08-20T20:28:00.000-07:00

We spend our whole lives filling ourselves up
and ever trying to expand our ego's.
God,.... what a waste.

Just Maybe

2010-08-05T10:46:00.000-07:00

Nothing and overwhelmingly everything
I just want to sleep and think and stare
but the day draws near and I must arise
and be awake to you
to see what we have here
see what this is
investigate
interpet
and wonder.
Its all a fog really
and an unexpected break in the middle
of this long storm
a walk in the dark night
by your side.
I get hurt...so easily still
and this armor is wearing thin
so please, oh please
handle with care and
dont let me feel any pain
no more pain
not here
Can we just listen to records
and sit by the fan
dine on earthly delights
and dream of an old motel somewhere
maybe for a while
maybe just for a while.
For if I open my eyes
and you are not there
or I stop for a moment to give in
beware.
this girl is walking the line
and her vision nearly lost
she may do someone wrong
and she may shy away
but for now and right here
the minutes of each day
they feel easier to bare
easier now
easier here
with a gentle hand at my back
and a gaze so totally pure
I feel a warming in my heart
and a healing I can hear.

Mr. Wonderful

2010-07-12T20:14:00.000-07:00

write about me if you dare
dream about me if you're brave
kiss me like you mean it
dont stop for behave
my cadillac fancy dancing
round that April May-pole
has sugared my master planning
your nonsense well known
the static shifts her glances
as the needle scratches in
and the haollow echoed hum's
make new day begin
meadow lullaby in June and
soon we shall dine
with a rhytmic romancing
and a lyrical sweet wine
drunk on willowly whims
and dreaming for magical sun
this dance I know so well
will enchant you each one.

kl

Aloha ʻOe

2010-05-28T12:29:00.000-07:00

I will go to the places we used to roam
and I will catch this
one
last
wave
and ride with unclouded vision
wandering and still wondering
where you are, and why you left.
I will feel this vacanct music hum
its last note
I will know that I miss you
and my heart will ache, quite literally
as I embrace this farewell

I wish I could tell you
yet it matters no more
and this flaming golden sunset
is now....just barely off the horizon
our journey has grown dark
for what we had once known
even this now distant unity
I'd hoped to spare...
has
simply
vanished
like the sun out of the sky
gone.

Aloha 'Oe sweet one
Aloha 'Oe

-kl

Suppose

2010-04-29T13:22:00.000-07:00

I suppose you think you know me
The one you hang your coat upon
on occasion
when you see I am frail
and I suppose you think we are close
because I let you hook into me
dragging me along behind you
“mans best friend”

I suppose you don’t want this to stop
your own personal amusement
your tasty treat.
I suppose you feel entitled
and even w-o-r-t-h-y
of this small piece of heaven
I offer still

I suppose you think its ideal
this fleeting disheveled mess
a way to avoid your truth
and a shelter for all your weakness
I suppose you keep me fed
just enough
so I do not starve.

And tell me o great magician
what do you suppose will happen
when my road is finally built and
my legs learn again to walk
tell me
what do suppose will happen then?

kl 4.2010

Tiny Corner

2010-03-21T16:04:00.000-07:00

It takes but a moment in time, and I am back there. The busy little butterflies are weaving their silk, and inching us together. You make me nervous, and excited and quiet and thankful. You make me laugh, for real. You make me wonder. It feels like grade-school, when you would do anything just to have his hand touch yours. You find ways, make up excuses, linger...

And then come the dreams, the waking, vibrant dreams. Like slow motion in a movie it all plays out before me, yet I remain still. Paralyzed by you every time. Am I crazy? My darling, you could speak to me here for hours, and I could lay my head in your lap and listen. Just to hear your voice. Just to watch you. But I remain in safe distance where I should...... I remain the lesser to you. I remain here the lover, not the loved.

I think you would be surprised really, the doors you unlock for me, the heights that you enable me to go. A million times Ive tried to tell you, and a million times Ive been afraid. I wonder, do you see these arrows... do you feel their sting?

The sweet things I notice you doing, so mundane to anyone else, but like a drug to me. The small gestures and glances, the silent stares, and the way I have to break away before my heart erupts. These are my mementos. These are my luminous treasures to take along in this life.

It think it will just always be this way. This is a love meant to suffer. This is a love unattainable, one too consuming for fulfillment. Years it would take to fathom its grip. I "set you free", to live in this chapter, in your happy ever after, in your decided bliss. I can allow it, for I know I have you in the enchanted garden. I have you where perfection suddenly aligns with reality, and where time ticks only for this love. I have you here, in this tiny corner of heaven.

3.21.10
K.Lugo

Wings

2010-03-13T17:39:00.000-08:00

It took a war to get me here
and the loss so incredible
that it forced me to the ground
and I really knew all along
this surrender was inevitable

Like a hurricane it rushed me
took the breath from my chest
a wind so unrelenting and cold
kept repeatng its call to me
this will be.... for the best

To let it all go now
and to stretch out this first leap
I have taken the singeing burn
and remain here still standing
the love I will always keep

Life becomes so plain in view
and unraveled are these new roads
each begging to be traveled
new birth at each corner
a golden light now unfolds

God grant me the serenity!
your illumination my chosen path
I am ready now to walk there
along with these wings
you have placed here,.. at my back.

3.13.10

Norman Rockwell State

2010-03-07T22:09:00.000-08:00

I imagine your legs there
intertwined with hers
curled up there on the couch
breathing the same air and
yes,...together.

Its all Norman Rockwell, and so ever glowy
and yet you tell me, you persist,
you are not happy there
and you are not complete.
A truth so stretched.

Yeah, I get a smile back
and maybe a heart string here or there
and then it falls silent
and all I hear is this void.
Its all I hear.

Cynical. I am.
for you have your castle
and you have your fairytale movie
you got your Norman Rockwell
and I got my Edgar Allen Poe.

so I will wrap myself up
where no one can enter and
where no one can see. And I will hide
where no one can find me.

So get off my gleaming pedestal
and take your rightful place below
you get what you tend to
and you never did, intend for this to grow.

City

2010-02-12T16:55:00.000-08:00

I drive the streets of this city
The black and the grey of end days
And I see the sullen faces
Through the haze of heavy closed shades
The smoke and the sights
Wrap around me like eyes of a child
And they plant themselves here
In my wreckless garden of wild
I want to walk beside you
And hold those hands of steel
Just to see some of your soul
And to be where you feel
I don't think you'll keep me
And may not return my glance
But for a moment of you
I would not mistake this chance
Dark embers fade fast
and each spark I search for
whatever you ask here
will seep to my soft core
and if our moment be brief
and our touches saunter off
at least I will have had you
this empty soul, for now, not lost

Diamonds

2010-01-30T18:23:00.000-08:00

Dont make me witness your treasures
when mine have been lost at sea
and dont make me dance around like a showgirl
when I am struggling on hiatus

Dont ask me if we're writing a book
when the chapter was finished days ago
and please do not make me stare away
when I am being sized up in all directions

Dont invite me into your den
and then push me down as I enter
and never ever make me fake it
when all I want to do is remind you

Dont lay on all your worldly charm
when I am in front of you bleeding
and please do not make me lean down
to your pathetic level of ignorance

Dont think that the same tricks
will fool me this time around
and dont try to sing me your song
when I already broke the record

Dont put me next to your old plastic
and think it will all just be ok
and never ever...EVER forget
that what you once had, was this diamond.

Superpower

2010-01-17T22:30:00.000-08:00

I dreamed of water, and a carnival all to myself. Chaos and uniformed madness were in my view, and I stood and watched you in my warm safe corner.
It was not a lie, and all these things were really here swimming in my night, in my peaceful, vibrant dreams. Rush me once again and say goodnight my sweet one,....goodnight.

Music Firsts

2009-12-16T16:12:00.000-08:00

Growing up in North Dakota in the 70’s and 80’s I was brought up on the sheer and total genius of Elvis Presley, the scratchy soul of Ray Charles, the cutting edge sounds of Buddy Holly and the insane harmonies of The Beach Boys. My parents would play the records while they got ready to go on date nights, and my Dad would rock down the hallway dancing like Chuck Berry as Mom coiffed her hair in the bathroom. I took immediate notice, and I listened carefully. I knew from the first time I heard music, that it was part of something incredibly monumental, and from then on I wanted to hear anything and everything. I scoured through Mom’s 1966 Magnavox Astro Sonic and listened to all her and Dad’s records. I even tried out “In A-Gadda-Da-Vida,” the 35 minute version! Each record spoke to me in a different way, and I was accepting of them all in their own right. Elvis Presley was especially moving and I can distinctly remember sitting on the steps in our living room, while Mom was at the grocery store, playing his records. I listened to Elvis Presley when she was away,….because he made me cry. I was too embarrassed to let Mom know, even though I knew she often cried too. Little did I know then, the depths of a story so tragic. Elvis was and still is the most incredible artist we have known.

In 1984, things changed a little. By then, I had grown away from my musical upbringing, and been stung by the new 80’s pop scene. I bought my very first “Cassette tape” with my own money, saved up from a birthday or Christmas, Sheena Easton, A Private Heaven. I can remember my friend and her “single mom” listening to it on the record player in their two bedroom apartment and dancing in the living room. My friends and I would make up our own M-TV video’s and perform them for an imaginary audience for hours on end. Our first video was for the song “Strut.” The lyrics read “Let the lace fall across your shoulder,” so we found some lace and threw it across our shoulders. Pretty cutting edge stuff really. We had a secret clubhouse underneath the stairs and we decked it out all girly and would bring down our little library issued cassette player and rock out to Sheena Easton while we all memorized the lyrics to “Sugar Walls.” A tune written by Prince, in his ever so eloquent way. I think we even kind of figured out what he was really talking about….scandalous! Secretly though, we all wanted to be just like her.

We were all at that age when you are more ugly duckling than you are cute, but Sheena made us aspire to have that perfectly feathered 80’s hair, those big dangling earrings, and the precise black eyeliner. We all thought we could sing just like her. It must have been a sight, a bunch of awkward pre-teens trying to sing and dress like Sheena Easton.

It was these moments, after hours upon hours of Sheena Easton, which made me realize I needed my OWN cassette! I think I must have told my Mom that I wanted to go to Target and get the tape for myself. It’s funny, because this was right around the time of Madonna, and we had all wanted to have her music, but our Mothers said it was “inappropriate.” This was probably my second attempt to ask permission to buy my own music. Sheena somehow made the cut. She wore the coolest earrings.

So one evening after school Mom called me down from my room and said “let’s go get your tape.” I was so excited! I imagined the next day at school when I would show the girls from the clubhouse that I got my very own copy. I sure wish life could be so thrilling again…..sigh. From memory, I think the cassette tape case was orange, and she had on a beige sweater/dress thing on the cover, which was hanging off her shoulder, or something close. Honestly I must have stared at that cover forever that night, trying to figure out a way that I could look like her. I tried, and I’m sure there are photos somewhere. I shudder at the thought.

Sheena had that ultra effeminate sound, that slick glossy voice that made young girls and more likely young men, stand up and take a listen. Is this what being an “adult” sounded like? Was this how to be a lady? Her lyrical sweetness reeled us in, and her adult themed puns made us wonder. Little did we know, Madonna had yet to really hit us!

I have since gone back to these songs, and many others of Sheena’s, and they are so cutesy and maybe even ultra modern “pop” I can see why it appealed to me at that age. Of course most people know the hits, “Morning Train” “Almost Over You” “For Your Eyes Only” “Strut” etc. There is a song, however, from 1982 called “Machinery” which is really wild to listen to. It is full of beats that I don’t think had yet been necessarily established as “80’s” sounding or “techno.” It sounds like a video game that can sing. It’s really radical stuff, if you listen and consider the timeframe, radical to me anyway. Radical,…like Sheena Easton.

From Sheena, I continued on my 80’s bandwagon and eventually came of age that same year ironically, for my first concert experience. I was into “love songs” because I thought I loved my 5th grade boyfriend. I would record the best ones from the radio on me new shiny portable radio “boom box” and make mix tapes. You remember, we all did it at least once. A particular favorite of the time was “The Search Is Over” by Survivor. A catchy ballad about love and all its trials. How I even absorbed its meaning at such a young age is a mystery, but I knew when I heard the announcement that they would be at the local fair that summer, I had to be there!

I worked up the nerve to ask my Mom one Saturday, after dropping little hints here and there for a week or so. I was clever. There was one obstacle I had to work my way through however, and that was the fact that they uttered a swear word in the song. They said they word “damn,” and I though it was so bad that Mom would not allow me to go! So I played the song for her, and skillfully explained why they had to use such a word and that they were talking about love in the song and that I must see them in concert or I would just die! She must have had a good laugh after I left the room. Ha! She agreed, and took me to the fairgrounds with a friend, and the 3 of us attended the concert that summer. I remember Miami Sound Machine was the opener, and I thought Gloria Estefan was really neat. I had never heard that kind of music in my small town. When Survivor finally graced the stage, I was so excited I think I squealed! Unfortunately the rest of the show is kind of a blur, I don’t even remember hearing the song I wanted to hear so badly. I do, however, remember the thrill of LIVE music, the cold hard seats of the outdoor amphitheater, and the roar of hearing a crowd cheer in unison. A good memory all things considered.

Luckily for me, I have now come full circle and back to my musical roots. Elvis Presley is still a genius, and he still makes me cry. I am a full fledged, well educated, and always enthusiastic Elvis fan. I know too, that all the musical acts I have mentioned above have been somehow along the way inspired by Elvis Presley, the silent innovator. So really I owe it all to him. Thanks Elvis……..it has been a journey.

-Kari Lugo
-November 2009
-Los Angeles

Indifference and Lawrence Welk

2009-11-27T15:19:00.000-08:00

So, here I am , off early for the weekend. Two unopend boxes from Ebay stare at me, as well as a stack of unopened mail. All I really want to do is watch random television shows and curl up on the couch, mindless and warm. But, I have no cable, and the government forced me to get a damn "digital receiver" for my T.V. which has sucked up any free channels I was getting once before. Jerks. Im sure thay are somehow watching my every move..... boy would they be suprised! ha ha

Im listening to Lawrence Welk, and it soothes me magically. His comforting Midwestern accent, and the happy happy music. Reminds me of when I was little, out on Grandpa and Grandma's farm. Grandpa loved Lawrence Welk and he watched it every night, before or after Johnny Carson, I forget. I always tried to stay up late and watch it with him, but I usually ended up falling asleep on the big long slickery 60's couch. I loved that couch. It literally wrapped you up and tucked you in, I swear. What I would give to go back there right now. A million dollars if I had it, no doubt.

Im going home in 3 weeks. Spacious, beautiful North Dakota....where Lawrence Welk was born, and myself of course. Time literally slows down there, and thankfully. It is a different set of rules, which I have missed. I look forward to sitting in my parents house and doing absolutley nothing. Except, spin some old records on Mom's Magnavox, and watch her and Dad putter around. They are so cute....my Dad clips coupons and "works" in his garage, and Mom is always smiling, neat and ready for anything. She has never looked bad once in her life. Consistantly beautiful and bright. I aim to be like her oneday....

I guess I will just sit around and "be" for a while. Maybe motivation and inspiration will find me, maybe not. Until then, I have my diet sunkist, my favorite peppermint nougat Christmas candies, and my cherry fleece pajama's.

What more could a girl ask for right?

Pawn

2009-11-21T14:01:00.000-08:00

It's a mystery. Life has a way of taking you on it's own winding road. I used to think we were more in control. You know all those books...and self help guru's, how they tell you,"control your own destiny" "you have the power to make your life your own"...and so on and so on.... I don't much agree anymore. I think we are at life's mercy. I think we are life's pawn,...moved about wherever we must be to make another thing happen how it is supposed to. A game of sorts, it seems.

I believe God has an eye on me, and knows what he is doing. But, I find it hard to let go. I find it hard to just "let it be." Idealism has gotten the best of me, and turned most of my thoughts into wishes, dreams, fairytales. Every song I hear floats by my ears with a hint of nostalgia, a blanket of sighs, and a heavy dose of reality when I see where I am at. Or, where I am not at.

My Grandmother once told me, "things were much easier when I was young my dear, we didnt have as many choices, and we were happier with much less." I think she was right. I am thankful for liberation, I am thankful for opportunity, I am thankful for progress, but maybe it would be easier to just live a simple life. Happiness comes from contentment right?

Checkmate please.

Heavy

2009-10-26T20:53:00.000-07:00

You may have told me. In your words so few, and I may have listened, I may have.

But I remember the events across that wooden floor, and they way I can still feel the sink in my stomach when you get that look in your eye. Its like the room turns black, and dark. And suddenly a spotlight shines on me and I am alone. The way you tilt your head, and your eyes get a glossy sheen, as if you are casting a spell.
You hypnotize. In one look. And I hate you for it.
Even after those words so few.
And no one will ever really know, and no one will ever really quite understand this alignment, and this smooth knot which has been weaved and tied over and over again.

This weight, now so heavy.

Perfect

2009-10-18T19:56:00.000-07:00

Sometimes is never quite enough
If youre flawless, then youll win my love
Dont forget to win first place
Dont forget to keep that smile on your face

Be a good girl
Try a little harder
You've got to measure up
And make me prouder

How long before you screw it up
How many times do I have to tell you to hurry up
With everything I do for you
The least you can do is keep quiet

Be a good girl
You've gotta try a little harder
That simply wasnt good enough
To make us proud

I'll live through you
I'll make you what I never was
If youre the best, then maybe so am I
Compared to him compared to her
Im doing this for your own damn good
You'll make up for what I blew
Whats the problem ?... why are you crying?

Push a little farther now
That wasnt fast enough
To make us happy
We'll love you just the way you are

if you're perfect.

A.M. 1995

Coasting

2009-10-16T16:04:00.000-07:00

Things have been so ...........
The same.
Now for several weeks.
I am either getting used to this chaos, or
it is just passing me by as I sit motionless
unable to maneuver my sails.

I suppose its ok to be in a certain holding pattern for a while, although I often feel like if I am not moving in a certian direction, then I am wasting precious time.
I suppose it is ok though.
For now.

I often think of the words in the bible "Be still, and know that I am Lord"
I usually struggle painfully to "be still"
but maybe this is good.

Maybe it's time to coast.

Rush

2009-10-07T21:20:00.000-07:00

Like seeds from your toungue
deposited line after line
you tended your garden
Soon her bloom, so sublime

and ever did she stand
tall, and towards your sun
and she basked, even glowed
in this flower she had become

So your care did produce
and slick you did dance
in your garden ever growing
stallion nights, each advance

Pray now she seems waned
and her petals wilt to fall
your heavy sheltered heart
blushing buds, un-allow

Less of her sun
and her soul's cocktail
she lay so near diminshed
so ever lost, and heavy veiled

kl10-09

There are some.

2009-10-05T15:58:00.000-07:00

There are some people we encounter in our lives, that light a spark in our souls. They come along and suddenly that place, the one that had been so long vacant and diminished, is now ablaze! Often times, these people come in for a flash....and whisk us up in their whirlwinds, and drop us back where we were.

Alone.

So then what do we do? Then how do we keep our "spark" from burning out? How do we manage this now that we are tending to the flame on our own?

Or do we sacrifice convention, and try to create that whirlwind once again? For the sake of our souls fullfillment?

I am in endless wonderment.

Small Hurdles

2009-09-29T20:03:00.000-07:00

No. I am not going to wait for YOU, to enjoy my Nesbitt's!
Not any more.

A rare spectacle

2009-09-29T12:43:00.000-07:00

The heart and the mind, what enemies they are. Always fighting one another, one knowing better than the other, voracious encounters within.
I've grown accustomed, usually bowing to the heart, and giving in because "we are never promised tomorrow"

B.S.

I'm just tired of falling for these tricks, tired of ignoring the veil across my eyes, tired of holding my breath for the regretfully ingrained "happy ending"

So I have decided to work with a new set of tools. I have decided to reinvigorate myself and allow new forms of inspiration and savory dalliance.

Some along the way whom have set this boat a'sail, I commend you and thank you. Dont forget what I say today, and stay neighborly. These things are good. They are all bound to be very good ........

The Wisdom of Marilyn

2009-09-23T13:00:00.000-07:00

A wise girl kisses but doesn't love, listens but doesn't believe, and leaves before she is left. ~Marilyn Monroe

Walk a Mile in My Shoes

2009-09-21T19:56:00.000-07:00

I was raised to care about people.
To always have empathy, compassion and selflessness
My Grandfather was a perfect example of this, and he passed it onto my Mother who
passed it onto me. Always put yourself in another's shoes, and do unto others as you would have done unto you. The golden rule to live by.
It seems a simple concept. Not always easily enforced, but really so very critical in life. Your own problems may be great, but putting them aside in order to help someone else almost always helps you feel better about your own situation, and it is a shining example of the human spirit. A glorious example of pure love.

The one lesson I have not yet learned, however, is how to "not care" when I am let down by a friend or a companion. I have not yet learned how to let it roll off my shoulders, and move on. I have not yet been taught how to protect myself from the emotional ignorance of others.

It is a pain which runs deep, and sharp, and heavy. When you do not receive the same empathy in return. It stings. It physically aches. It is crippling. It's a gamble. It's a straight up high stakes gamble of the heart.

One must wonder,... how can it be worth it?

We used to drive the canyons......

2009-09-18T19:50:00.000-07:00

The Climb.

So it would be a long walk
up those steep stairs of yours
and into your sultry den of
pretty colors so rare
It would be like a triumphant
march and an evening of
sparks and flair and
heavy hearted knowing.

But I would go, and I
would let this stain live
here upon me, burning
with each singe.

I would let it devour
and I would let it cast
me into an oblivion of
faux shiny jewels
just out of my reach.

I would take that climb.
and I would squint at those
bright colors. I would endure this.

for you.

KL 2009

Pride is dangerous.

2009-09-16T15:30:00.000-07:00

I think that we grow up being taught that pride is an essential emotion in forming self esteem, and we wrangle through all of the "pride" parties, slowly gaining a sense of who we are and what is seemingly important.

-Your Mother puts your art work on the fridge.
-Your Father displays your school trophy on his dresser.
-Your Grandparents have all your pictures framed, from birth.

It is a nice start, and an okay way to learn about loving oneself, but I think that pride often gets mis-interrupted on our way to adulthood and it ends up being something very dangerous. In adulthood, there really is no good place for pride, at least not concerning oneself. It creates havok, and it interrupts so many good emotions. It becomes more of a road-block, and the more it is used, the worse it can become, ultimately crippling.

Pride is a tool of weakness. We all subscribe to it from time to time, but as a victim of "pride", I would suggest that you work hard to banish it from your life.

Nothing loving can ever be gained from pride.

To create...is to heal.

2009-09-15T14:30:00.000-07:00

This "blog" was a gift to me. A gift from one of my best friends, Cat---------->

She called me today at work and said to me, "I have an idea, I think you should start a blog, and I'm going to do it for you" She told me" It will help you heal, and it will allow you an outlet, which you need. you work through words, and this is the best way for you to heal"

Ok , I said.
and here we are.

I think it is an incredible gift, and one that I will use and enjoy and that will indeed help me process things out of my tornado. My mind is already swimming with ideas and thoughts and words......Thanks Catherine. I luv u. You always seem to know what I need.

It will be interesting to see where this is a year from now.

Let's go for a ride!

Rock-A-Hula
Los Angeles
9.14.09